How Your Relationship With Food Shapes Your Health Destiny

Introduction

What if you could stop second-guessing every health decision and start trusting your body’s ability to be well? In a world full of conflicting advice, it’s easy to feel like you have to choose between intuition and science, but the truth is, they work best together. Your body is designed to heal, adapt, and thrive when given the right support. In this post, we’ll explore your relationship with food through that lens, so you can take practical steps that feel both empowering and sustainable.

Where Your Relationship With Food Came From

Many women have a strained and complicated relationship with food. It isn’t because they are weak or lack discipline. It is because there are unseen experiences, emotions, and external influences that have shaped the relationship over time. These influences follow us into every meal and can wreak havoc on our ability to have a gentle and intuitive approach to nourishing ourselves.

True health isn’t just about what you eat, it’s also about how you feel about the food.

The good news is that our relationship with food, like any other relationship, can be healed and strengthened over time by building trust. By understanding your personal relationship with food, you can build trust with yourself again, let go of the constant diet drama, and finally be confident in your food choices. 

Make a ‘Relationship With Food’ Timeline

Let’s dig into where all these hang-ups with food came from. They didn’t appear out of nowhere; you picked them up over time. 

• Childhood Relationship With Food: You had childhood rules that dictated what, when, and how much you could eat. 
• Cultural Traditions: You have cultural influences that determine food types, preemption methods, meal timing, and social eating norms. 
• Dieting History: If you have explored many different trends in the diet and wellness space, you have probably built up a bunch of hang-ups with food regarding how much, what, when, how, and how often to eat. The more plans, protocols, and diets you have tried, the more history you have that shapes your relationship with food. 

If there is a lot coming up for you here, write out a timeline of your relationship food over the course of your life. Identify when big shifts in beliefs or behaviors happened, and what was going on in your life during this time.

For example, when I did this exercise, I realized that the times I struggled most with food restriction were times when I felt like my life was out of my control. I had never realized that my relationship with food was so closely tied to my trying to control my inner environment because my external environment felt out of control.

Identify Any Rules You Are Following

If you have a complicated relationship with food, you also have a mile-long list of rules that you follow. Here are a few that may come to mind, sometimes all within the course of just one day:

• I have to be good all week so I can earn a treat on the weekend.
• Carbs make me gain weight, so I should avoid them as much as possible.
• If I eat something unhealthy, I need to make up for it by eating super clean the next day.
• I should always choose the lowest-calorie option, even if I don’t enjoy it.
• Eating after dinner is bad, even if I’m truly hungry.
• I can’t trust my cravings—they always lead me to “bad” foods.
• If I don’t track my food, I’ll overeat and lose control.
• Snacking between meals means I have no willpower.
• I need to finish my plate, even if I’m full, because wasting food is bad.
• Some foods are “good,” and some foods are “bad,” and I should feel guilty when I eat the bad ones.
• If I don’t exercise, I should eat less to make up for it.
• Sugar is addictive, so I need to cut it out completely.
• I should always eat “clean,” and processed foods will ruin my progress.
• If I eat one unhealthy meal, I might as well keep going because the day is already ruined.
• I can’t trust my body to tell me what it needs—I need a structured plan to stay in control.

The Problem With Food Rules

The problem with rules is that they are fundamentally based on the belief that you can’t make a good decision without an external authority source deciding for you. 

If you are a rebel at heart, this can set you up for rollercoasters of restriction and rebellion. Even if you are someone who loves rules and doesn’t tend to rebel, it can create an immense amount of guilt, shame, and confusion when you can’t do the “right” thing. 

Identify Psychological and Emotional Patterns of Eating

Food is used for so much more than a biological resource. It is often used for comfort, distraction, social engagement, or even self-punishment.

Why do I eat when I’m not even hungry?

The answer to this can be different every time, and it may not be obvious on the surface level. There are numerous physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual roles that food plays in our lives. For example, we may eat for any of these reasons, sometimes multiple at the same time.

Why Am I Still Eating?

• Cravings due to nutrient deficiencies
• Blood sugar fluctuations and energy crashes
• Habit and routine
• Availability and convenience
• Gut microbiome-influenced cravings
• Hormonal changes
• Lack of sleep
• Social cues and peer influence
• Food as a sensory experience
• Caffeine, alcohol, or medication effects
• Post-exercise appetite changes
• Dieting history and food rules
• Cognitive exhaustion and ‘auto-pilot eating’
• Procrastination or distraction
• Perceived scarcity mindset 
• Mindless and distracted eating 
• Trying to override emotions
• Perfectionism and control issues
• Comfort and nostalgia
• Stress eating
• Boredom 
• Loneliness 
• Celebration and reward 
• Grief and sadness 
• Anxiety relief
• Frustration or anger
• Seeking connection
• Rebellion against restriction
• Self-punishment 
• Seeking pleasure
• Cultural and religious traditions
• Religious fasting and feasting cycles 

It’s perfectly okay to eat for reasons beyond physical hunger. There are many healthy people with normal relationships with food who will eat a doughnut in a work meeting, have dessert at a restaurant, or eat a slice of cake at a party without being hungry. Most people wouldn’t consider a one-off choice like that to be a problem.

I think it becomes a problem when you feel out of control around food. When it feels panicky, impulsive, scary, and full of shame, there is probably something deeper going on. Messy relationships with food often include long-term patterns of emotional eating that are unique to each person.

What circumstances generally lead to your unique patterns of emotional eating?

Identify If You Have the Knowledge to Eat Well

Many women struggle not because they lack willpower, but because they don’t know what balanced eating looks like. Before you can move forward in a positive way, double-check that you have a basic understanding of realistic, healthy nourishment. Healthy, holistic nutrition doesn’t have to be complicated or overwhelming. 

Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

• Do I have a source of protein, fat, and fiber at every meal?
• Do I feel satisfied after my meals, or do I often feel sluggish, overly full, or still hungry?
• Am I eating a variety of whole, minimally processed foods?
• Am I getting a variety of colors on my plate throughout the week?
• Am I eating in a way that feels sustainable and enjoyable?
• Am I making food choices based on what makes me feel good long-term?
• Is my digestion regular and comfortable?

I know that this seems too simple and that you need more rules to truly have a healthy diet. But if you consistently eat in a way that honors these holistic nutrition principles, the need for extreme plans falls away naturally..

Confidently nourishing yourself with simple, balanced, and enjoyable nutrition goes a long way toward building a lifelong good relationship with food. 

Decide What a Good Relationship With Food Means for You

Here’s something I didn’t understand when I first tried to heal my relationship with food: You have to define what that means to you. 

When I first went on an ‘intuitive eating journey’, I tried to model the all-foods-fit philosophy. I dove headfirst into nutrient-poor, low-quality food that made me feel objectively terrible. I kept trying to face my food fears by following any and every craving. It led to a host of physical and mental consequences that took many months to recover from. I was trying to follow someone else’s definition of a good relationship with food, but I wasn’t addressing my personal needs.

What Is Food Freedom?

In order to move toward your health goals, you have to know what you want. What does freedom with food mean for you? If you are recovering from disordered eating, perhaps food freedom means including a wide variety of previously restricted. Maybe you are working on resolving a health concern, and food freedom means eating simple and ultra-nourishing foods. Are you living with a debilitating chronic illness? Do you have allergies, food sensitivities, or religious eating guidelines? Do you value social eating? Are you nourishing a family as well as yourself? All of these factors shape what is important to you when it comes to food.

Honor all the ways that food plays a role in your life. Allow the things that are important to you to define what a good relationship with food looks like.

As an example, I will generally not eat cake at a party or muffins at a work meeting because I place more value on the nutrient density of my food than I do on eating socially. For someone else, eating the cake at a party is important to them because it allows them to be present and joyful in that celebration. There is not one right answer; you get to choose the best thing for you.

Lean Into A Mindful Relationship With Food

Mindfulness helps you reconnect with your body’s hunger, fullness, and satisfaction cues. Eating slowly, noticing flavors, and checking in with hunger can shift eating from autopilot to intentional. This helps us heal our relationship with food because it brings us into the present moment. Instead of being haunted by the ‘ghost of diets past’ and the ‘ghosts of diets future’, we can just be with the one meal that is in front of us. 

Every meal is its own opportunity to heal your relationship with food. You don’t have to get it perfect from now on and forever more, you just need to make and enjoy one nourishing meal. I don’t know about you, but that makes me feel so much less pressure. 

Mindful eating can become an overwhelming pseudo-diet on its own. I’m not pushing for that. I just mean that you don’t need to put so much pressure on overhauling your relationship with food all at once. It doesn’t work like that. Just take it one meal at a time.

Make Gradual Change Over Time

Overhauling your diet overnight rarely leads to lasting success. Small, sustainable changes work best. Like any relationship, it takes time to rebuild trust when things have gotten messy. You can’t expect grand gestures to change things overnight. Instead, show up for your body with respect and gentle, consistent nourishment, and over time, you will rebuild the confidence to feed yourself with ease.

Recommended for further reading: ‘The Emotional Stages of Healing Your Relationship With Food’ by Stephanie Mara

Decide Where You Need More Support

If food is causing significant stress, guilt, or health concerns, support can be life-changing. Many health professionals help you heal your relationship with food. Meeting with a registered dietitian can help you feel confident that you are fueling yourself well for your specific needs. Health coaches can help you set goals and troubleshoot implementation challenges. Therapists, counselors, and eating disorder specialists can all help further unpack the layered reasons behind your messy relationship with food.

If food is getting in the way of you living your life, please ask for help. It’s the best action you can take to move forward.

Conclusion

Understanding your relationship with food is a critical key to lasting wellness. By unpacking all the roles that food plays in your life, you can put it in its proper place once again. The process of change starts with awareness and self-compassion, not judgment. You don’t have to “fix” everything overnight. Start by noticing, learning, and making one small shift at a time.

I’d love to hear from you: what are you beating yourself up over in your health journey? Let’s connect and brainstorm ways to move away from blame and into self-compassionate problem-solving!

Wishing you well,

Meghan